


A Perfect Captain

by heroiccaptain



Category: Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Comfort, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established James T. Kirk/Spock, Insecure James T. Kirk, M/M, Protective Spock (Star Trek), Self Care, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Doubt, Vulcan Bond, Vulcan Mind Melds
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-30
Updated: 2021-01-30
Packaged: 2021-03-16 01:27:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,394
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29074041
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/heroiccaptain/pseuds/heroiccaptain
Summary: Kirk makes a mistake, one that makes him question his worth as Captain, as Spock’s partner, as human. While feeling less and less like himself, he dwells between perfectionism and humanity on his path to recovering his sheer hope.
Relationships: James T. Kirk & Leonard "Bones" McCoy, James T. Kirk/Spock
Comments: 6
Kudos: 43





	A Perfect Captain

**Author's Note:**

> This hasn't been proofread.

“Aircraft coming, sir”, Chekov announced. 

“3 seconds for the maneuver, sir”, Sulu pressed the button. 

“Turn right at my command, Sulu. Now”

The ship turned right, at Kirk’s command. As the bridge personnel tried to recover from the abrupt twist, a bright explosion came from the screen. 

Kirk’s heart skipped a beat or maybe two as his eyes were petrified. 

By turning right he had pushed the touristic aircraft out of control causing the explosion and consequently the death of 100 people, mostly family with children who were aboard. 

Sulu and Chekov stared at each other, completely shocked. Spock couldn’t take his eyes off Jim. 

“Sir?”, Uhura called him. 

_ It was a mistake.  _

_ I made a mistake.  _

_ I shouldn’t have turned right. I miscalculated the maneuver. I’ve killed them all. _

_ I made a mistake.  _

“Ca-, call Mr. Scott. He can take over from here”, he couldn’t stay one more second there, his heart racing, his hands trembling. “Mr. Spock, would you-”

“Yes, Captain”, he accompanied him avidly.

“Spock, those people…”

“An unfortunate accident, I know” 

“A mistake. My mistake”, he repeated, as a self punishment. 

_ My mistake.  _

“Their chance was narrow given the speed, Jim. Right or left-”

“No, Spock. My self confidence won’t pull me out of this one”

Spock was startled by the state he was witnessing. “You’ve made other mistakes before, it is human nature. All of them, combined, could never outweigh your achievements, the most excellent work a Federation Captain has ever performed”

_ Not good enough. Not good enough. _

“I remember every single one of the mistakes. The achievements were merely part of the job. I should have woken up earlier today. And shouldn’t have taken that second cup of coffee. I-”

“Jim, there is no point in hurting yourself like this”, he said most concerned. Kirk’s eyes were lost, his tone vague. 

His heart, not his mind, was facing what it seemed to be a terrible existential dilemma, one that punched the very core of Kirk’s essence. The sheer optimism, the belief in himself, both essential to what he was, being questioned and analysed from a very dreadful perspective. 

“How am I supposed to step on that bridge, Spock?” 

“The same way you’ve stepped before, Jim. The same man who I’ve followed since the beginning” 

He shook his head, relentlessly. “No, Spock. It seems to me I’m not half the man I considered myself to be two days ago. I’ve...failed. A Captain of the Enterprise cannot fail. Let Scotty in charge, if you need. I’ll be in my quarters, alright?” 

Spock would have followed him if he didn’t think Kirk needed a moment on his own. 

_ A Captain of the Enterprise cannot fail… _

_ I’ve failed. _

_ A Captain of the Enterprise must be perfect… _

_ I should be perfect.  _

_ Not a single mistake must be committed. How many have I made?  _

_ A series of mistakes…A list. I should make a list. Didn’t I make one once?  _

_ How? How could I?  _

_ Not good enough. Not good enough to take care of her. Not good enough for Spock.  _

_ I should have turned left, not right, left not right. There were better chances if I had turned left...Studies have shown that in this type of quadrant...I knew the rule...Professor Tyrell at the Academy once mentioned that...I failed....the vortex...I am a failure. _

Lying in his bed, Kirk stared at the ceiling, with his hands putting a bit too much pressure on his abdomen. He had forgotten who he was. No, worse. James T. Kirk questioned if he had been wrong about himself during his whole life. And he continued questioning it for hours and hours.

[...] 

“Jim, you have to eat at least a chicken sandwich”, Bones shouted. 

“I’m not going to eat”

Spock approached the captain’s quarters as soon as McCoy was leaving, holding the untouched food. 

“He doesn’t want to eat, Spock”

“I know, Doctor”, the Vulcan acknowledged with a strange worry in his chest. 

“What has the federation said?” 

“The aircraft was to blame. They were traveling 2.3% above the speed limit. The court archived the case against him” 

“Well, try convincing him of that. He’s sure it was his mistake” 

“It was, Doctor. The Enterprise had better chances at preventing the explosion by turning left. A mistake others could have commited, including myself. Still, a mistake” 

“How can you say that, Spock? He’s your partner, for god’s sake!” 

“I don’t need to deny it was a mistake to acknowledge that he’s punishing himself far more than he should or deserve” 

“Hum. I am concerned about him, Spock. I love him as if he was my brother”, McCoy’s eyes became watery inevitably, no matter how hard he was trying to hold it in front of Spock. “The Kirk I know wouldn’t refuse a chicken sandwich”, he got a grip on himself. “Well, good luck”

“Jim?”, Spock’s tone was softer than usual, “May I come in?”

“Yes”, he answered weakly. 

A couple of books had been thrown on the floor. Kirk’s boots covered some academic articles on the right and some papers, which seemed to be lists, although Spock couldn’t figure out what they consisted of, were all around his bedside table. Kirk was lying on the bed, his uniform on, his fists closed. 

“Just don’t touch me. I don’t want you near my thoughts, Spock. I don’t want you to be hurt”

“Why do you hurt yourself then, Jim?”, he sat on the corner of his companion’s bed.

He couldn’t answer that immediately, as tears rolled down his cheeks. “I should’ve known. I should’ve thought about doing the other curve, about-. It doesn’t matter now”

“No man can be flawless, Jim”

“A Captain must be! You know that. I must be”, he sat to stare at Spock. 

“Now you have the experience and will be prepared for when-”

“No, now I have nothing but a failure. I’m worth...nothing”, he looked down.

“Jim”, he stroke his back unconsciously, “Please, this isn’t who you are” 

“These thoughts scare me”, he reached for his hand amidst the tears that began to form.

“This doesn’t sound like you” 

“I feel...hopeless. Hopeless, me. This, this is not who I am. This is not who I am, Spock!”, tears rolled naturally. 

“It’s not, Jim, it’s not. It’s alright”, he pulled him, holding him tight in his arms, “It’s alright. Lay down with me” 

Spock’s fingers were pressed lightly against his forehead. Kirk closed his eyes, feeling their minds meld. 

_ I’m not a perfect Captain, Spock. _

_ Nor you should be, Jim. To pursue perfectionism is to aim for failure.  _

_ But if I’m not as good as I thought I was, then I might not be good at all. What these mistakes prove- _

_ The mistakes prove one of your greatest human traits, Jim. You do not thrive because you’ve never made a mistake, you thrive despite them. You once said to me: we might not fall admirably, but we stand up graciously by choosing not to yield. I’ve witnessed you, as you say, stand up graciously many times.  _

_ Because I’ve chosen to keep going. And a mistake cannot make me yield.  _

_ Neither diminish your worth. You’ve been the man I would follow blind, as I have on some occasions, the man whose loyalty to this ship goes beyond its borders, whose sheer optimism is crucial to prevent interplanetary wars. The man who provoked feelings in my heart I judged not to be possible and who survived situations despite the probabilities stating otherwise. Never perfect, but always willing to do better. And I’ve come to the conclusion that’s the best of humanity, Jim. That’s what you have been as a Captain of this ship.  _

_ Because I am human and that’s what humans do, we strive, we keep going. Not infallible, _

_ And never worthy of self punishment. _

_ Not a perfect Captain, but perfectly human. That’s who I am. And that’s alright.  _

Spock held him in his arms as a last tear dropped from Kirk’s eye. 

He placed a kiss on his companion’s chest and finally allowed himself to close his eyes, assured of the fact he was a human and as such, he deserved to keep going with no ideal of perfectionism on his back, but only the strong will that made him survive that far and would continue to do so. 

**Author's Note:**

> Writing this was important to me. Thank you for reading :)


End file.
